The Best of Shaquille O'Neal

Though not an Ultimate Collection compilation, The Best of Shaquille O'Neal suggests that there was once some inquiry into his preexisting discography to determine what songs, if any, merited inclusion in a greatest hits collection. One wonders how that decision making process occurred. Was it by committee, or did a single record company employee select the tracks he or she deemed appropriate for inclusion? Did O'Neal have such a collection of hits spanning so many albums that the record buying public needed his greatest works to be condensed into one disc? Surely not.

Boomtube - The Ultimate Collection?

Behold: Boom Tube: The Ultimate Collection: Television's Greatest Bass. I'm not certain how a record can purport to be an ultimate collection when the artist is uncertain, the genre is ill defined, and the recordings offered are bass-infused covers of television theme songs. But if you're looking for a compilation featuring such tunes as "American Idol Theme (Evil House Mix)" and "I Dream of Jeannie Theme (Jeannie in My Woofer Box)," then this is the set for you. My personal favorite: "Battlestar Galactica Theme (BattleBass Galactica)." No Dr. Who?

Michael Bolton - The Ultimate Collection?

Well, perhaps Michael Bolton is far too easy a target for one of my Ultimate Collection posts? After all, he's already suffered the slings and arrows of Mike Judge's humor in 1999's Office Space. And, unlike some acts featured in these posts, Bolton did have a fan base and sell some records back in the day (though we can say what we will about those who actually purchased those records and tapes back then). Nevertheless, although Bolton might not have been featured on the radio stations I listened to in the 1990s, he was certainly on some other stations. Might he be worthy of his own Ultimate Collection? Is my fashionable disdain inappropriate? I begin to wonder. But then I remember the hair. Do you remember the hair? Behold:

Ace of Base - The Ultimate Collection?

Ace of Base has released an Ultimate Collection? Sure, back in the early 1990s, they saw "The Sign." The sang "All That She Wants" and "Don't Turn Around." Later, they even covered Bananarama's "Cruel Summer." But does that merit an Ultimate Collection? Now, Ace of Base hails from Sweden, and perhaps it's possible that in their native country they are far, far more popular than they ever were in the United States and worthy of an Ultimate Collection in that nation. But a 3-CD collection? I think not, especially not here in the States. Oh, well.

Jermaine Jackson - The Ultimate Collection?

Really? Jermaine Jackson has his own Ultimate Collection? How did that happen? Can anyone even name a song by Jermaine Jackson done as a solo artist? I thought not.

Edie Brickell - The Ultimate Collection?

Can an artist who is widely considered to be a one hit wonder release a compilation album called Ultimate Collection? Texan Edie Brickell, really, is known for two things: Her 1988 song, "What I Am," and her marriage to Paul Simon. This does not an Ultimate Collection make. (Although it should be noted that the disc does include her cover of Bob Dylan's "A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall," which originally appeared on the soundtrack to the 1989 Tom Cruise film, Born on the Fourth of July, in which Brickell had a brief role as a folk singer.). But is she ultimate? No.

Brian Setzer - The Ultimate Collection?

You know, Brian Setzer's actually not so bad, perhaps deserving of an Ultimate Collection if you include his earlier work with the Stray Cats and his later solo songs from the 1990s swing revival. But this Ultimate Collection is "Recorded Live," meaning that the songs arguably worth including on this disc are not the original studio recordings but live versions, presumably recorded years after the fact. (The double disc set includes two shows, one from Japan and one from Montreal). Oh, well.

Rick Astley - The Ultimate Collection?

Rick Astley's Ultimate Collection? Okay, I'm at a loss for words on this one. Shouldn't the collection have been called Rickrolling? Or rather, in the grand tradition of that Internet meme, shouldn't the packaging suggest that it is actually the greatest hits collection of another, far more critically acclaimed artist, and the purchaser only discovers it's Rick Astley's Ultimate Collection after taking the product home and opening the packaging? At least "Never Gonna Give You Up" is the first track; surely there's no reason to go further, especially if it was an ironic purchase.

Oh, and on the album cover above, doesn't Astley sort of look like a young Ricky Gervais?

Bruce Willis - The Ultimate Collection?

Is the musical oeuvre of Bruce Willis such that it needed a 3 disc "Ultimate Collection"? The album is apparently comprised of Willis' two solo albums, 1987's The Return of Bruno and 1989's If It Don't Kill You, It Just Makes You Stronger, as well as a few extra tracks. The final disc is the soundtrack of the television show, "Moonlighting," on which Willis starred from 1985 to 1989. Willis' songs, mostly covers on the first solo album, are inoffensive light pop; most would find it to be forgettable adult contemporary. But with no huge hits, no clamoring fans demanding such a release, and no meaningful contribution to music, is this truly ultimate? (Of course, since The Criterion Collection has released an edition of Armageddon, who's to say?).

El DeBarge - The Ultimate Collection?

Question One: Is El DeBarge really the type of performer who deserves a compilation billed as an "Ultimate Collection"? (Wow; the album even has its own Wikipedia entry.). Question Two: What songs would need to be missing from this disc for it to lose its status as "ultimate"? Question Three: Surely, if "Who's Johnny" was not included, the record could not maintain this distinction? Question Four: How can the compilation truly be considered "ultimate" without "Rhythm of the Night," the biggest hit for DeBarge, the group in which El DeBarge once sang with his siblings? Question Five: How might the record buying public resolve this dilemma?

The answer: Purchase both the El DeBarge Ultimate Collection, and the entirely separate and distinct Ultimate Collection by DeBarge, the band of which El DeBarge was once a member.


Problem solved.